When I was injured on January 17th, I had no idea the roller coaster I was about to ride. It wasn’t that the injury was a surprise. I had been nursing that knee for months and certainly for the few weeks leading up to launch, it was holding on with adrenaline and shear force of will. I knew it was only a matter of time. Over the next several weeks, there certainly were low moments, but what I didn’t expect was how many positives came out of all that down time.
I know I’ve been all “my knee this…” and “my knee that…” lately, but I did want to post a quick update about how things are going on the food/body image front.
I have been reading Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch though I must admit, I have not gotten very far. I have, however, gotten far enough to know that in order to really start listening to my body for its fuel needs, I HAVE to stop thinking about losing weight. It just can’t be part of the equation right now.
I can’t express how scary this is. I thought it would be so freeing. I thought I would embrace it wholeheartedly. I mean, it sounds wonderful – don’t diet? SIGN ME UP.
You wake up and as you get out of bed you think, “I’m gonna pee and then go weigh myself.” You do, in that order of course, and when you find yourself down .2 from last night, you sigh….That’s it?You don’t just get dressed. You pull out 4 bottoms and 3 tops – all different colors. You begin with the first combination. You stare at your self in the mirror. From the front…not bad. From the side… hell no. You rip it off and try again. Black bottoms. Always black bottoms. Why do you ever attempt the gray capris? After trying the 3 tops on, you put them all back (or in my case, leave them strewn about) and grab the black top that, if you were being honest, you knew you were going to wear from the beginning . From the side…Not awful. From the front…You don’t hate it. If you suck it in.
You move on.You make your coffee (not the way you like it though, no no. You’re watching your figure) and open the fridge to find breakfast or grab your lunch for later. You just stare. You run all the possible scenarios: If I take leftovers for lunch, I better portion them out now. Or I could grab a salad at work. But if I do that, I might cave and get blue cheese dressing. Or french fries. No, no, I’ll take the leftovers. But will it be enough? Should I grab some fruit? Or nuts. Yeah, I grab some almonds. I better portion them out now though….When you get to work, you wonder if everyone has noticed that you are sucking it in. Or worse, noticed when you weren’t. You’re a fraud, of course. These clothes don’t fit as well as they should and everybody knows it.Lunch is 12 round boxing match in your brain.
I brought leftovers.I don’t want leftovers.If I buy food, I’ll just regret it.But shouldn’t I eat what I WANT?Ugh, but then I’ll feel bad.And I’ll probably eat too much.Maybe I’ll just go see what they have.Nope, gotta stay the course…I WANT PIZZA!!!!!You eat your leftovers and you applaud your self control.Dinner is only slightly better because it was preplanned. Unless you go out…As you get ready for bed, you think about all the ways you failed your body that day. The extra cream in your coffee…You missed your favorite group fitness class (ahem, BodyJam, ahem) for a work meeting…You ate that dinner roll…or 3…. Even now, you’re not getting to bed early enough which means your cravings will be worse tomorrow and you’ll be able to blame lack of sleep when you reach for the fun size (read: tease) Snickers that you’re already planning to “need” at 3 PM…